Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
