I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
