And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
