someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
