So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
