U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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