Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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