I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize