Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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