I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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