dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Actions speak louder than pants.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
