If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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