remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
