You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
