Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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