Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
