I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
