I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
