I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
