You can't motorboat a personality
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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