She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
