omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
