1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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