We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
