I wanna passion pit in your ass
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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