hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
