Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have aggressive nipples.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
