Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize