I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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