We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
