But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
