I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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