yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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