I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
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