My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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