i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
