i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
