i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
