I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Randomize
