she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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