I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
