i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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