I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
