It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
