wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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