headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
