I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
