Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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