the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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