Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
