I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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