Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
