Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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