so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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