Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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