1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
that's an acceptable place to lick
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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