And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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