I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
