why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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