No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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