When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize