Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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