Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have peed in a lot of sinks
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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