Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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